The universe keeps shitting on me. 

I'll post later tonight I guess. 

The long-awaited post

I haven't posted in a year. A whole fucking year.

There's poison in my veins that will only leave my body through my fingertips, into my keyboard, and onto a computer screen.


I don't know why I forgot about this blog. I guess because I have a public tumblr that I update with life happenings that I just forgot about this one. But I'm kinda pissed at myself that I didn't write in here, that I didn't write down all the private thoughts I would have loved to revisit.


So here's everything that happened during 2nd semester/the end of second semester freshman year:

• I lost my virginity to a 22 year old guy from Amsterdam; he's graduated college and was(?) traveling the United States. I met him at a party at my friend's apartment building at her school in the same city as mine. 
• My roommate and I got into some pretty bad fights. She's a bitch and I let her walk all over me, but I eventually put my proverbial foot down so hopefully she doesn't fuck with me this upcoming school year. Oh yeah, she's gonna be my roommate again. 
• I was in a quasi-relationship with a girl and her boyfriend. She initiated everything. She was beautiful and the three of us had a grand old time. It didn't last long but it was fun and makes for a damn good story. 
• When classes ended and I didn't have to wake up early, all I did was smoke and drink coffee starting at the crack of noon when I'd wake up. I got skinny quickly and unexpectedly, and it was awesome of course. 
• I fucked a few people. They are irrelevant.
• H took care of me the night I was beyond fucked up and delirious and I had thought I'd broken my foot. I only badly bruised it, and I was on crutches for a week or so. 
• When I went home for summer break I was covered in bruises from H, had a black eye that I had given myself when I was really stoned (don't even ask me how that happened omg),  and was really skinny...my parents must've thought I was being abused. 

Here's a recap of summer 2012:

• I went to the beach for a few days with girl-with-boyfriend. I didn't fuck them but I did get spectacularly drunk everyday, went streaking, played naked twister, fucked his friend, fucked her friend, and played naked beer pong. There is photographic evidence of all of this on several cameras. 
• I was in a two week fling with a wealthy lawyer and my friend. He lived in the city and he bought us food and weed and alcohol. I'm pretty sure that's the most illegal thing I've ever done ever, but holy shit was that fun and wild and just fucking crazy amazing. 
• Wake up. Drink. Smoke. Fuck. Sleep. Repeat.

Here's a recap of this past school year, sophomore year:

• H and I were on and off allllllll year of course. We finally fucked the day I was going home for winter break. We just kept getting kinkier and kinkier. I've concluded that I don't love him, but he's destined to be in my life in one way or another. It's strange. 
• Oh right, the very beginning of sophomore year he found me outside an academic building at like 1 AM puking my guts out while sitting on a bench, and he took me back to my dorm. That was fun.....
• I got kicked out of honors because I'm an idiot and didn't take school as seriously as I should. 
• I pledged a sorority and even though it drives me fucking crazy a lot of the time, I absolutely love it. My sisters are great, free booze is great, and frat boys are great. 
• I thought I met the love of my life in North Carolina. We dated for a month. I visited twice for a week at a time each, and they were the best two weeks of my life. I was so happy, so of course on the first day of my spring break he calls to break up with me with some bullshit reasons. My first relationship ever, at 19 years old, lasted a month. I hate myself. 
• I fell in love with a hipster frat boy who was a bit on the quiet side but oh god did he know how to touch a girl the right way. I basically slept over every weekend of the last month at school, and we fucked the morning I left for summer break. I slept over during the week too. I always slept over every time I was there and god I just wanted him to love me. We haven't talked since the last day I left, of course. 
• Me and my roommate got along pretty well and became friends I guess. It was nice. 
• I feel like a bunch more things happened but idk a lot of it was me being crazy and falling in love with every other person I met so whatever. 

Summer 2013 so far:

• I've fucked 16 people. But I haven't fucked since the beginning of May and I might die from frustration. 
• I volunteered for Firefly, and saw Amanda Palmer and cried from pure happiness. H was there on the last day. It was weird seeing him in a public setting not at school. 
• I volunteered for two Warped Tour dates, met a bunch of cool bands and cool people.
• H was at a party at school I went to as well, which was fuckin weird because it was so random and by chance. He introduced me to his stunning female "friend"....basically I fell in love with her, all three of us made out and were generally slutty/crazy the whole night. But she's seriously amazing and I can't wait to see her again.
• I have an actual real person job and am making money. Its great because its in the city and that means less time in the fucking suburbs.
• My mother really does not like me. We fight all the time, and it makes me unpleasant to be around, which makes her mean to me. Vicious cycle. 
• I've seen a lot of my friends a lot, we party and hang out and it makes life a lot easier to deal with. 

There ya go. All caught up. I will now be blogging a lot more because if I don't I'll feel shitty and pent up again. This already made me feel a lot better. 

p.s. yep I'm still fat

Just got home, hungover and pretending my mom can't smell the cigarette stench coming off of me.

I have so much to write about, and it's mostly good stuff which is sorta surprising.

I think I've managed to FINALLY stop all of my eating disordered behaviors. I think I may actually have recovered.

I miss writing. I promise I will write today.

xo