numb.

Thank you so much, Leto and Bonesarepure, for the comments. Its wonderful people like you guys that make me feel like I'll always have my blogger family to turn to when things get rough <3.



Speaking of rough, I really think I'm starting to lose it. I've been numb all day then just now I had a major meltdown, because of my mom. I love her so much and I know she loves me (well I try to convince myself she does) but she just repeats herself OVER AND OVER and it makes me feel so stupid, like I won't understand anything unless she repeats it a million times.

I feel like I did everything wrong today and that just made it worse, I feel better now (well I feel numb again, if that doesn't constitute as better I don't know what does) but my hands were shaking and I was sobbing and I feel like God Himself is punishing me for being a total waste of a daughter and sister and friend and student.

It doesn't help that I binged so bad today...the binging has been getting progressively worse and today was the most terrible by far. I still feel uncomfortably full from all the stuffing I did. I didn't know it was possible to fit that much crap into my body, I literally felt like my abdomen and my freaking back for God's sake were splitting open.

All I want to do is leave the US and go to Argentina (where my mom was born and where my maternal side is all from, but I've never been there), and never eat again.


At least I won't be surprised when I go to Hell, I live in it every single day.


xo,
Lucy