I don't even know. Shit shit shit.

First of all, thanks Dani <33. You are so wonderful.

So I went swimming with the boy at his friend's house, with my sister too because they are all friends. It went wonderfully. We were in the pool at night, it was muggy and hot and the pool was so warm, I loved it. Then we watched 2 scary movies.

I sat next to him on the couch. Pressed up against his side, I felt so happy and just totally at peace and he teased me about my laugh and kept scaring me and he was shy and unsure but still so sexy and it was the most perfect night of my life.

I wasn't worrying about my body at all. My hair and makeup looked perfect even after being in the pool for like 3 hours.
I'm starting to feel really beautiful and sexy. Soft, not hard angles and sharp bones. I don't know what's happening. This fucking boy is changing me. He makes me feel beautiful and so feminine and perfect the way I am. Maybe I want to be soft. Maybe I like the way I am.

Maybe.

This new thought process is scary. It freaks me out. The boy and I aren't even together.

I'm going to college in 18 days and he'll be a high school senior.

We'll only be about 30 mins away from each other but I'm so so scared he'll forget about me, and move on.

I like him so much, he is so perfect. He sings like a god and loves amazing music and is so different from any guy I've ever liked. He's SO easy to talk to and even his best friend sees that we've clicked, everyone who knows about this thinks he and I are perfect for each other, his best friend even said he's "a love sick puppy." We hung out once more since the pool night so that brings us to a grand total of hanging out at...3 times. Fuck.

I know we're well on our way to become good friends (I hope) but we both know we are interested in more than that. I want to be his so badly. If we aren't even that close yet, how has he started to change me into a person I might be starting to like?

He is changing me so much and its wonderful, but if this doesn't work out then I'm legitimately sure my heart will break. I will be broken, and I really think it will destroy me.

I only have 18 days left until I leave and I'm starting to cry just typing this, I need him I need him I need him. I feel so at peace with everything when I'm with him.

I've been crying so much lately. I've probably spent most of the summer crying.

I'm only truly happy when I'm with my sister, my best friend, and the boy.

The rest of the time I feel lonely and terribly sad and lost and purposeless.

I'm trying so hard to think of the amazing things that have happened but its so hard.

My mom and I's relationship is quickly unraveling. My brain makes up worst-case-scenarios about the boy not liking me/forgetting about me/moving on to somebody else, constantly.

My grandfather is dying. Every day could be the day. He's almost fucking gone.

I'm no longer flat fucking broke, so that's a plus.

I think I might have some sort of disorder. It's not normal to feel this lost and sad and hopeless all the time. It's never been this bad and its scaring me.

Everything scares me.

Even if I've completely lost Ana, I still need this blog to let these fucking thought out of my head.

I wish I had more followers or just commenters. I'm a selfish insecure fucker and I need somebody to tell me it will be ok.