Finally.

So. It's summer vacation now; I moved out of my dorm room on the 9th.

I've got almost two months to write about, there's not going to be as many details as I would've liked.

I'll write about H first.
He's an egotistical asshole who knows he's extremely hot. I'd eventually come to hear that he gets absolutely crazy when he's drunk, and that he's a player who treats girls more like sexual objects than people. But despite all of that shit, I absolutely fell in love with him and saw the passionate, artistic, funny, caring, sweet, and intelligent aspects of personality that turned him into a god in my eyes.
We hooked up at least 10 times, maybe almost 15; we never had sex though. The hook-ups were SPECTACULARLY hot. Because of H, I discovered all of my fetishes (so far) and that I'm into S&M. I literally had NO idea before being with him, and he figured it out the very first time we hooked up. Biting (...everywhere), hair pulling, spanking, choking, light hitting on my face, being tied up, using a belt...I can't believe he did all of that to me. And I can't believe I liked it and started to crave it and that I don't know how I'm going to survive a whole summer without it. Aside from one time when I tied him up because he was so drunk and he asked for it, he was dom and I was sub and apparently, according to him, I was a classic sub.
It was both terrifying and indescribably amazing. His power over me was so obvious and he knew I was completely his.
But - we hanged out a few times and it was great, but then that stopped and in social settings he eventually started treating me like we were casual friends or even almost completely blowing me off. When we were alone together, it went from sweet to just being all about him. He gave me what I wanted (the S&M shit) and then I took care of him, and then he would leave (or vice versa). He treated me the way I deserved - I was a slut for him and he took care of my needs that I was (and still am) embarrassed to have and didn't (and don't) know how to ask for them to be satisfied from somebody else.
Now I realize that in my fear of H not liking me the same way I like him, I closed off (except for the hooking up, of course) and sent that vibe that I didn't want to be anything other than a hook-up for him, and he may have responded accordingly because that was the vibe he was getting from me. Of course, this is all speculation and I guess I'll never really know how he felt (feels?).
The last time we were together, I asked him if it was the last time and he said it was the end of the school year (it was his second to last night there) but "who knows what will happen" or something like that. And he's living in the same dorm building as me next semester, and he knows that. So a part of me is hopeful and praying we at least hook up again, but the other part of me is sick and tired of crying over a boy who I gave myself to so deeply and intimately but I wouldn't put it past him to forget about me completely over summer vacation.

I have a lot more to write about but I'm tired so it shall have to wait for tomorrow or the next day, but hopefully tomorrow.

xoxo