- finally done with my first finals of college!! Wooooo. So glad. Now I can go home tomorrow for my month long winter break, this is gonna be awesome! I'll be able to sleep like a normal person, aahhhhh.
Bad news
- I just cut for the first time in months. 2 around my upper left torso, 1 on my left upper thigh, and 2 long ones on my upper right thigh.
- I am still gaining weight I think. At least that's what it feels like. I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds. And I look like it too. I haven't weighed myself in about 3 weeks but I bet I'm at or around 150.
- After spending midnight to 2 AM with the boy who has a girlfriend, I have fallen totally back in love with him. And now it hit me that I'm a complete fucking moron because no matter how much I convince myself that there were infinitely small instances where he seemed to be interested in me, I have finally realized how much of a fucking loser I am. He would never leave his girlfriend for an ugly, fat fuck like me. I am ugly and fat and fat and fat and fat and useless and disgustingly average.
- I found out today that some friends of mine made a bet that my younger sister, who is 15, would lose her virginity before me. I'll be 19 in May.
- My sister has a friends with benefits. I haven't kissed a boy in a year and a half. And he was a one-night makeout thing, and we only got to 2nd (barely).
- Fuck, the 2 long cuts on my right thigh are really long and fuckkkkkkk how am I going to hide them, shit shit shit.
- One day my mom is going to die and there is nothing I can do about it.
- I'm so afraid I'm never going to be in a relationship and I'm going to die without ever having sex or having been loved so completely and totally by another human being in the way only two people truly meant for each other are capable of.
- I'm quickly running out of reasons to keep living.
It's 2:23 AM and I'm going to get a shower now and shave and scrub and moisturize and blow dry my hair and make it wavy and put on my nicest underwear to sleep in and tomorrow morning I can pretend that when I slowly emerge from sleep in the warm light seeping in between the heavy curtains, that I am special.
You are special.
ReplyDeleteYou are brilliant, wonderful, lovely as ever, and stronger than anyone around you will ever suspect; moreso than you know.
The fact that you can look at that daunting list of bads, but still list a good- that's all it takes.
Hang on to any one happiness, love, and you'll get there.
Just don't lose sight of that one happiness, as you battle on through the harder things.
So much love; you will find happiness, and more happiness, one day.
All of us will.
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