I feel like my updates are becoming more and more mopey and depressing. Sorry. I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to follow me anymore. I don't think I would even follow me.

I have the worst cold ever, my face feels puffy as fuck and I am so congested. And I'm sneezing and coughing all over the place. Cute right? Ugh.
I'm still on winter break and holy fuck it feels like I've been away from college for forever. If I had actually been productive over break instead of never waking up before noon and then playing video games until like 1 or 2 in the morning, I might've actually enjoyed my break. I made so many plans and goals for myself and did I accomplish anything? Nope.

Well I did get my second set of ear lobe piercings and I did shop for clothes and shoes I actually need, so there's a plus I guess. But I planned to read three books and I didn't even read one. I also planned to lose five pounds, but instead I gained almost five pounds. Fuuuuckin ace, no? I really hate myself.

Summerboy has made zero advances. We spent new years eve together with a bunch of friends, but I had to leave before the ball dropped. He seems to like me as a friend but obviously he no longer likes me as anything more than that. And he barely likes me as a friend I guess, since we rarely talk. And why would guy with girlfriend leave his gorgeous girlfriend for pathetic, ugly me? So I'm giving up on that too. More like accepting that I'm literally going to be alone forever.

I have never felt or looked so ugly before in my entire life. I am breaking out like fucking crazy on my face, chest, and back and I have literally like 30 acne marks/scars all over too. Wearing makeup doesn't help because my skin is so shit, it makes the makeup look like shit.
I'm at my highest weight ever. I only fit into like 3 pairs of jeans, out of like my 15 pairs. My shirts look terrible on me and even the jeans that "fit" look awful.

All of this is making my social anxiety and shit self esteem even worse than usual. I don't want to talk to any of my friends, and the old fears that they don't actually like me and just tolerate me are coming back with a vengeance. I'm starting to become convinced that even my family thinks I'm a joke and hates when I'm around. I feel like such a waste of space, totally useless and using up time and resources that should go for people that actually deserve them.

I really really really want to die because I 100% believe there is no purpose for me to continue living. I've felt this for so long but now it's all I think about. I'm not going to kill myself because the idea of dying scares the shit out of me, but I wish there was some way I could stop living. Maybe if I do some sort of serious, horrific crime to get the death penalty.

Wait. Anorexia. That's the answer. Fuck, why did it take me so long to think of that. That will be my suicide. I wanted anorexia to become skinny and perfect but that feels like so long ago, and when I was on my way, shit happened and bulimic tendencies turned me into this current fat disgustingness. When I was almost anorexic, my heart would beat funny and I was always so cold, and I couldn't stand up too fast or else my vision would go black for a few seconds. Things that thrilled me and told me I was closer to becoming thin and sick. It was what I loved and wanted more than anything else in the world. I still want that, but now my goal is a bit different.

Anorexia will be my way to suicide. I'm sure my insides are fucked up enough from being EDNOS a few years ago, from my bulimic tendencies that resurface from time to time, and my newly formed cigarette, marijuana, and alcohol habits. Anorexia will be the cherry on top of a destructive lifestyle.

I look forward to the day when Death opens its arms to me and Ana.