I stuff / I starve

I started writing this almost a year ago and totally forgot about it, it was supposed to be my first post on this new blog. These things are still true, I've had 864 calories today and burned 114 with swimming. So 750 for today, its 9.23 PM and I'm done. I'm hungry but it feels safe and familiar, and I haven't felt this control, this wonderful self-imposed hunger in way too long.

College is giving me freedom that will make me both beautiful and ugly.

Ana, its been much too long.


*

I stuff because

food fills a space within me that remains empty

I stuff because
saltysweet peanutbutter or bittersweet chocolate are my only sources of comfort

I stuff becuase
my mother and I constantly argue

I stuff becuase
I'll never be the best - so why bother trying?

x

I starve because
a growling stomach makes me feel invincible

I starve because
I want to prove to every guy I've ever liked that I really do have potential to be hot

I starve because

I want to be the prettiest/thinnest in my group of friends