The football game was good
Purged my entire dinner yesterday, it was the first time I purged since sometime early in the summer. And it was such an excellent, perfect purge. It was so comforting and yes I know this sounds sick. I miss it. But I don't miss acid re-flux or feeling dehydrated. So I'm not going to make a habit of it. It was kinda a whim when I did it yesterday, also I was going to get high and drunk (ended up only getting high though) and I wanted to get intoxicated as quickly as possible, and I knew without food in my fat stomach that would happen. Yeah.
So last night was really fun, I hung out with my roommate and our two guy friends we're tight with, J and E. And a friend of theirs too. By the time my roommate and I caught up with the guys after they were done rushing a fraternity, they were so drunk and high, it was hilarious. Then we went to Wendy's (my roomie and I had already eaten dinner by this point), I ate a couple fries and then E and the other guy went back to the dorm because they were done for the night. J, my roomie, and I went to my friend's apartment to smoke weed. J was already so high and he got even more high (I wasn't super high because my friend's weed was dying but it was enough to get me loopy haha), so it was so so so hilarious. After a while the three of us went back to our dorm and I talked to J and another friend while my roomie talked to her best friend on the phone. Then the guys left, my roomie came back, and we went to sleep. And now its tonight, and I'm typing this and doing homework, and tomorrow I'm going to a concert with some friends from high school and their friends and roommates, sleeping over at the college they go to, then coming back Sunday on the train.
But the story of last night isn't complete.
I need to tell you about J.
He is wonderful and perfect and amazing and lovely. His teeth are perfect. His hair is so soft. His laugh and smile instantly make me laugh and smile. We have so much in common- favorite music, favorite video games, movies, musicals, academic interests. He's really smart. So funny, kind, weird, completely odd. He doesn't take himself seriously at all. He reminds me SO much of myself, and actually of my best friend too.
We're friends. We talk. We hang out. He comes to my room a lot to hang out with my roommate and I, but I definitely think he likes me more than her. We're seriously like the same person when we're high. And when we're sober. He's bisexual but hasn't outright said it, it's so obvious in the funniest way, it's so adorable.
When I'm with him everything makes sense, I feel so wonderful, indescribably happy. I now know in my gut that summerboy was just a passing obsession, I was just so excited that somebody was vaguely interested in me, and I know it wasn't something real at all. I feel so intensely about J, I don't think I've ever felt this way before about anyone.
But. Of course nothing works out right in my life, his girlfriend of about 9 months is making sure of that.
When I FINALLY have guy friends, when I FINALLY meet the guy I know I've been searching for, I can't be truly 100% happy. I mean, I absolutely love being his friend and that alone is enough to make me feel amazing, but I can't touch him, hold him, kiss him. Being so close to him but not being able to move that slight distance to be intimate, hearing him talk about his girlfriend, hearing my friend E say that J and his girlfriend are always kissing and have condoms all over her room, is pure fucking torture.
I don't know if its just me being
When he, my roomie, and I were at my friend's apartment last night, so wonderfully high, I was on the very end of the couch and he had to sit on the floor because there was no more room, and he was hanging onto the armrest for dear life haha, he kept slipping and laughing so adorably, we were watching a comedy show on TV.
He was being so touchy. He kept touching my hands, arms, leaning his head on my arm, looking at me and talking to me and smiling and laughing and it was like we were in our own little world, or at least that's how it felt to me. He kept touching me; every time he did it, I felt such a rush of pleasure and even though it was torture because I couldn't do anything about it, I loved it and I touched him back. Touched his hair, his hand, leaned my head against his arm, looked at him, laughed and smiled and talked and giggled. At one point he left his hand on my thigh for a good five seconds, I think I almost died of happiness.
He was so obviously horny. ...that's also how I get when I'm high. I feel like he wanted it, wanted me. But he adorably slurred to me "Don't take advantage of my state," with a sheepish half smile on his face. I know my smile was failing when I asked what he meant, and I know we both knew what he meant. But that moment passed and we continued as we were, laughing and smiling like fools, me tentatively touching him like a shy lover every chance I got. He's such a good guy, so nice and kind, he would never betray his girlfriend. I'm so glad he's like that, even if it makes me sad.
I wonder if he's figured it out. I kinda threw subtleties to the wind last night, but he'll probably just figure its because we were high.
But I know! I know it's real!! Everything I felt last night and feel now and have felt since I met him is real!!! Whatever state I'm in, I'm crazy about him and last night was amazing, we've gotten along so well and we've talking for long amounts of time before last night, but last night...it was just perfect. But bittersweet for obvious reasons.
I wonder if he thinks about me, even a little bit, in the way I think about him. I wonder I wonder I wonder
Today he gave me his favorite band tee because I'm seeing that band tomorrow, I didn't even know they we're going to be there until he told me.
Sorry this is so long and rambly. I'm so confused.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
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