I am wrecking my body, and not in a good (Ana) way. Eating shitty food (just consumed about 90 grams of sugar in candy), absolutely no exercising, barely sleeping (average about 3 to 5 hours a night). My skin looks disgusting, I've NEVER been this broken out before. I don't look good at all in my clothes anymore. I'm rapidly gaining weight, and I feel so helpless. I've been purging like once or twice a week for the past 4 weeks.
A couple days ago I smoked an entire black and mild by myself for the first time, and I always swore to myself that I would never smoke tobacco (weed is perfectly fine <3). I keep fucking myself over in terms of homework because I'm procrastinating like no other, and then I have to do like everything the night before and I'm a total zombie the next day from not sleep and guzzling coffee like I'm getting paid to do it (...that would actually be amazing).
This is ridiculous. It is the EXACT opposite of the way I was in high school, especially when I was super into Ana shit in junior year, when I got down to 123 pounds. I was so focused, determined, I was succeeding in everything. Straight A's, girls were jealous of me, boys started actually acknowledging me.
But I can do it again. I know I fucking say this like every time I post but this is fucking it. I need obscene amounts of caffeine and sugar to stay up tonight for homework so starting tomorrow, I'm fucking changing for good. I'm going to be exactly how I used to be, perfect and in control of EVERYTHING. Skinny as fuck. I need to be that skinny again, I need to be SKINNIER.
115 pounds, here I fucking come.
Also (and I can't believe I'm saying this...) if anyone is up for being a texting buddy, email me (lucywantstoflyaway@hotmail.com) and we'll exchange numbers. I need somebody who can be harsh and mean and tell me the fucking truth. I'm obviously not concerned about my health anymore so I know this is going to fuck me up even more and I absolutely love it.
All this anger; turn it into something wonderful- into determination. And you'll get there.
ReplyDeleteBut don't be angry at yourself.
You need to be okay, to get what you want. To be able to stand strong and look yourself in the eye in the mirror, when you finally do get there.
So you can acknowledge that you are there, when you do get there.
Because when you lose sight of what it is you want, when you lose yourself in the numbers and the words and the thoughts; it's scarier than ever. It's scarier than being farther from your GW that you've ever been before.
I love you, dear.