I'm all out of Mary Jane, but at least I finally mustered up the courage to buy a pack of cigarettes. The first pack I bought by myself. Yay (?). 

Ugh ugh UGH. I told some friends (including my roommate) that I'm gonna go vegan for a week just to test it out, because I've been feeling lately that I should be more ethically/environmentally responsible. Everyone wished me good luck and gave me encouragement....and my fucking roommate starts saying shit like "wait until you're 24 and you stop growing because its ~dangerous~" yada yada yada blah BLAH fucking blah. And she was basically telling me that she doesn't think I can do, and fucking waves her fucking ice cream in my face.

And earlier today I asked her a question about picking classes for next semester, and she answers me like I'm fucking mentally disabled. 

AND last night I was talking about how sometimes I wish I went to art school, and she gives me this backhanded fucking "compliment": apparently doing a lot of school work "isn't my thing" because I'm more of a "free spirit." 

.....like can somebody please get over here and smack this fucking bitch. UGH. AND AND FUCKING AND, she continues to keep bragging about her new hookup and how they have sex all the time and his penis is big and whenever he's in our dorm room she's all fucking over him. SHE KNOWS I WAS INTERESTED IN HIM AND SHE FUCKING DOES THIS AKJDHFJKDHFJKSDGF. My guy friend even talked to her about this!! And she's flaunting her prize in front of me because that's all she does, it's like everything is a fucking competition between me and her - for grades, guys, losing weight, being stylish, listening to "cool" music.

She thinks she's hot shit because she got a 3.8 GPA last semester and I'm on honors probation and got below a 3. She constantly brags to  me about all the sex she has and all the guys who want her. She fucking tries SO hard to dress hipster and indie. Now she's even trying to act like she's this big pothead because apparently she has to be more into weed than I am. I don't smoke weed to be cool, I smoke it to fucking escape reality because I hate myself with a fiery passion that she will NEVER come even CLOSE to understanding. She always talks about how she's gotta eat less and "oh boy I went on a 3 mile run today omg I love being skinny~~~~~~" and how I say I'm gonna eat something but she says she's not because she doesn't be fat. REALLY BITCH. REALLY. I bet she was condescending to me about the vegan thing because I had roasted vegetables and a huge, healthy salad for dinner, and she ate fucking gross animal flesh and a ton of food and THREE desserts. 

The music thing drives me the fucking CRAZIEST though. She acts like she's so fucking cool and hipster for liking all this music, when really it's me who listens to the shit first and then she'll play it on fucking repeat for like 3 days straight. Ugh I hate when people are like "I listened to them first" but I LISTENED TO THEM FIRST. I am VERY passionate about music, I don't play instruments but I sing for fun, and I fucking complimented her once on her singing and now SHE NEVER. STOPS. SINGING. It's like she has to steal everything from me and act like she does it all better. And it kills me because sometimes I feel like she does.

I am a very smart person. I love school, and I love learning. Just because I was fucking depressed as shit last semester and got a really bad GPA does NOT mean I'm stupid, and that she can talk to me like I'm stupid. I don't contribute often in class discussions, but when I do, it's because I really care about what I'm about to say and I don't say it just to earn a grade or sound smart or impress the professor. I don't want a guy (or girl) to show him/her off - I want a relationship because I have so much love inside of me that I have a burning desire to share it with somebody else, and not just in a physical way. I want to hold a lover in my bed for hours, staring into his/her eyes and just talk about everything and anything. I want to understand someone, I want to know someone so fully and completely and have them know me the same way. I tried having a "friends with benefits" relationship with C and it just couldn't work; I am too much of a hopeless romantic. I hate the way I look and I hate my weight, and I would NEVER make comments that would have even the slightest chance of making another person feel bad about themselves. Some days I feel sort of okay looking, some days I feel pretty, and most days I feel like the ugliest son of a bitch that ever walked the Earth. I wonder how she'll react when I get really skinny like I used to be a couple years ago. I never tried to be "stylish" or "hipster" or what the fuck ever, I dress in the clothes I love and that look cool because I think they look cool/*insert choice adjective here*. Yes, I wear a lot of black, and wear a ton of layers, and one day I look like a boy hipster and another day I look like a slick city girl and another day I'm a hippie or a girly goth. I am tall and I love huge platform shoes and clunky combat boots and sexy heels and converse sneakers. And music for me is NEVER about impressing people. NEVER EVER. I fucking love the music that I love, I love it passionately and violently and I would kill the bitch that tried to steal my iPhone from me. Yes, I am That Girl with the giant headphones who always seems to be in her own little world. But fuck, that's what makes me the happiest person on Earth. Give me my music and a cigarette, and I am in bliss. 

Crap. I had no intention of making a post anywhere near this long....I hope I didn't sound pretentious or whiny but living with this girl is seriously becoming so damaging to my mental health and self-confidence and self-esteem. Look up the word "frenemy" in the dictionary and her face is right there. 

SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE THE BEATLES.